I decorated the tree yesterday and afterwards watched a Christmas film; it occurs to me…

In many Christmas movies, there’s this one familiar part,

A sweet and joyful moment, that always warms the heart.

Of a nice contented family, as they decorate the tree,

Dancing around with tinsel, and laughing loud with glee.

Often in this moment, music fills the air,

I wonder how this scene, and reality compare.

Of course, the lights are tangled, in a knot you can’t undo,

So, as you wrestle with them, the air is turning blue.

Contents of boxes, packed neatly the year before,

Have somehow become scattered, strewn across the floor.

The spectacular tree topper, once stood proud with cheer,

But has sadly lost it’s glitter, in the intervening year.

And as for tender moments, as you play and work as one,

Well that was doomed to failure, as soon as you’d begun.

With someone barking orders, annoyed to be ignored,

And someone in the corner, fed up and getting bored.

Despite obstacles and squabbles, you stubbornly persist,

For when someone says, “Lets do the tree”, how can you resist?

Though you know beforehand, just how it will be,

Nothing else says Christmas, like trimming up the tree.

I recently visited Emily’s Cafe in Thornton. Built in 1802 the building was once a house and the birthplace of the three Bronte sisters. In 2014 part of the property was opened up as a cafe, meaning that you can sit in front of the fireplace, in what would have been the dining room where the Bronte sisters are said to have been born. I loved the little writing desks used as tables (and obviously the chocolate cake… who doesn’t love a good cake?)

“Stay your weary little wandering feet at a friend’s threshold”, ¹

Take a seat beside the fireplace to banish the bitter cold.

Make sure you look around and take in every sight,

Of this comfy little haven, beloved by those who write.

In this room, many years ago, before this very fire,

The muses paid a visit with their powers to inspire.

And so, three Bronte sisters, would grow to learn their skill,

Creating such abundance that inspiration lingers still.

 


 1 Quote from Jane Eyre by Charlotte Bronte 

The dog seems to see it as her job to terrify anyone who approaches our house. She’s a diligent worker who is always on duty, whether we want her to be or not.

Stop making all that noise, your being very rude,

Please try not to upset the man, who brings us our food.

Don’t charge about the house, or up and down the hall.

You’ll scare away the window cleaners, when they come to call.

My friends are due to visit, please be a better host,

And while we’re on the subject, don’t bark at the post.

And leave alone the milkman, as he does his rounds,

Not one of these people, needs to hear your growling sounds.

Nor do our neighbours, don’t keep them all awake,

Please cut out the racket, and give us all a break.

 But if a burglar approaches, to come and steal our stuff,

Well, at that point dear puppy, you cannot bark enough.

My parents returned from holiday and told me about a man in the airport offering free samples. It seems an odd location to choose for selling this product, as I would imagine that this is about the only place you would want such a product to be unsuccessful.

Somewhere in the airport, before passport control,

Stands a man with samples, there to wheedle and cajole.

He offers forth his bounty, to all the passers-by,

In tiny little portions, free for them to try.

A product that allows them, to realise their dream,

And undo all the years, with a single facial cream.

To remove the lines and wrinkles, acquired over time,

Returning any face, to its appearance at it’s prime.

As he promotes his wares, he shouts he’ll guarantee,

Incredible results, to be achieved instantly.

Imagine for a moment, that this man speaks the truth,

That his miracle concoction, really can return your youth.

After purchasing more lotion, you continue, on your way,

Only to discover, much to your dismay.

That after you’ve stood waiting, for your turn in the queue,

The airport security refuse to let you through.

The photo on your passport, and the face you now possess,

No longer look alike, can you imagine the distress.

During recent conversation I had about getting home safely from a night out, a friend boasted about not getting run over on her way home. This comment struck me as being really funny perhaps because of the pride in her voice when she said it.

Well, I didn’t get run over, so that’s always good,

In fact, the night ended, just how it should.

A few shots of this, the odd pint of that,

Until on my face, I almost fell flat.

The high heels I wore, were not made to roam,

And yet they stayed on, all the way home.

I’m not sure how I made it, I’ve forgotten the route,

But make it I did, and that’s absolute.

For anyone who has ever eagerly picked up the phone expecting to hear a friend on the line, only to spend the next few minutes trying to politely get rid of a cold caller.

I do not need new windows, nor do I need a door.

No, not a thing has changed, since the time we spoke before.

I haven’t been in an accident, not recently or back then.

So thanks for your enquiry, but please don’t call again.

Your legal advice is excellent, but I don’t need to make a claim.

I don’t suppose you’d tell me, where you got my name.

There’s no chance of PPI, because I’ve never had a loan.

I’m sorry I can’t help you more, but please get off the phone.

Yes I understand your point , but the banks, they owe me nought.

Now manners are important, at least that’s what I was taught.

But though its not polite, I really have to say.

Stop calling this number, please just go away!

I think many people will have experienced a job where they feel like this from time to time.

I’m sitting at my, desk, hidden behind the screen,

Hoping when the boss walks by, that I’ll remain unseen.

I’m staring at the spreadsheets, but seeing in my head,

All the things I’d rather do, if I were home instead.

Oh I try to force the numbers, to conform and do my bidding,

But they just seem to laugh at me, and say “You must be kidding”.

Guaranteed to fail, because the targets are too high,

The only way to meet them, would be to tell a lie.

So, I dread the morning meeting, when my progress they inspect,

All the while full knowing, that my efforts they’ll reject.

Hunched over my computer, till my back begins to ache,

It’s painfully clear now, just how much I need a break.

I’m dreaming of the moment, when I can walk away,

And all the things I’d tell them, Oh the things I’d say!

Having recently taken on a property renovation project, I have had to try my hand at DIY. For someone whose greatest “DIY achievement” prior to this consists of moving furniture around or taking the curtains down to wash them then putting them back up, the project has proved challenging. Naturally there have been times (usually as I manage to inflict some small injury on myself) when I have regretted the entire idea. Though I am pleased with the results so far, I have been thinking about all the potential accidents and injuries that could come from such projects.

Why do I do this to myself?

While trying to put up a shelf,

I hit my thumb and not the nail,

Now here’s another epic fail,

That new picture I just hung,

Saw me slip from the ladders’ rung,

With that, the mirror on the wall,

Also took a nasty fall,

Leaving me with quite a cut,

Picking glass out of my foot,

This poor foot is much abused,

Turning purple and badly bruised,

For when carrying things to and fro,

I dropped the sofa on my toe,

I’ve burned my hand, I’ve sat in paint,

I’ve labored till I want to faint,

And now I’m trying to recall,

Why I started this at all.

This rhyme is little more than me venting after a particularly difficult drive to work. Stuck at temporary traffic lights, due to roadworks, during the middle of rush hour is not one of my favourite experiences.

Staring at the bumper of that car just in front,

I don’t mean to complain but I’m going to be blunt,

The traffic on the roads is just in such a state,

Even leaving early you’ll end up arriving late.

There’s a man three cars behind shouting at us to “move it”,

As though we were just waiting here for him to approve it,

Like the traffic would conform to meet his every whim,

I wonder what made him believe the roads belong to him.

That guy on the motorbike weaving through the line,

Nearly hit my wing mirror then made a nasty sign,

But that smug expression soon faded from his face,

Since the traffic lights also left him stuck there in one place.

There’s a woman to my left blasting out a tune,

Jiggling her arms about and looking like a loon,

She hasn’t even noticed that the lights have turned to green,

And so pours forth a chorus of words that are obscene.

There’s a couple over there seeking something hard to find,

The Sat-nav has confused them and they can’t make up their minds,

Indicators flashing first one way then the other,

Just when you think they’ve picked a lane they go and pick another.

Pulling from a side road is a car that’s creeping in,

And somewhere in the distance car horns join the din,

The general situation is just in such a mess,

With people all around us driven crazy from the stress.

During a staff meeting I attended whilst working in a school the Head Teacher brought in a life coach to inspire and motivate the staff. The meeting lasted for an hour with the life coach repeating a series of cliched phrases about perseverance. The meeting ended with the life coaches assertion that “being tired never killed anyone”…well how could I resist.

Being tired never killed anyone, so approach your day with zeal

At least that’s what she told him, before he fell asleep at the wheel.

Being tired never killed anyone, so act with confidence and flair

But in a groggy haze, he fell straight down the stairs.

Being tired never killed anyone, she wanted the whole world to hear

But his exhaustion slowed him, when the chain saw got too near.

Being tired never killed anyone, she eagerly proclaimed

But his being tired, sure did leave her maimed.

Sleep deprived and desperate, and sick of her stupid phrase

He grabbed the nearest weapon, and sent her to sleep for days.